Timeless Torah

A Sotah, a “suspected adulteress,” (in specific circumstances) underwent an elaborate ritual designed, amongst other reasons, to shame her. Two questions arise. First, does the Torah hint at any reasons why two people, who at one point must have been in love, would now be unfaithful? Second, let the marriage die a quiet death, why add humiliation?
The verse that introduces the sad saga of the Sotah reads, “A man, man whose wife shall go astray and commit treachery against him…” In the original Hebrew text, the word “ish-a man” is repeated, signifying that this particular fellow is overdoing his ‘manliness’. Instead of listening to his wife or paying any attention to her needs, he is solely concerned with his agenda. He ‘rules’ his home in an autocratic manner concerned only with ish-his very man/ish-like wishes.
Obviously, this attitude is not limited to men. Women can be equally culpable. Many societal influences have contributed to the breakup of the family. First and foremost, monogamy is no longer a cultivated art. Indeed, most of our energy, time, focus, and creativity are channeled into getting ahead financially. As a consequence, nurturing a life of intimacy is not given the importance it deserves.
When advertisements constantly bombard us with the notion that we deserve the biggest, the best, the nicest, the sleekest, the fastest, the most updated version of every toy out there: why, as one individual asked me, should he deprive himself of the most beautiful?
When credit cards, car dealerships, furniture stores, and no-money-down mortgage companies seduce us with unrealistic ‘enjoy today-pay later’ schemes, is it any wonder that the trait, “Don’t worry about consequences,” carries over into our family life?
When former President Bill Clinton (on national TV) offered no excuses or rationalizations for his indiscretions, he clearly was not asking for sympathy. After all, people make mistakes. They can be frail. Instead, he proffered these terse words, “Because he could.”
Cheating simply because “one could” is very disturbing. It indicates a total absence of moral restraint. Does such an individual shoplift because he won’t get caught? If the police aren’t around, do we all become criminals?
In a similar vein, when Monica Lewinsky finally apologized in a letter to the New York Post, she expressed her desire, “To apologize to former President Clinton for having betrayed his trust by confiding in my friend Linda Tripp.”
Here you have a woman who had an affair. But rather than expressing regret for stealing a husband, she asks for forgiveness for betraying a secret! If Monica had stolen Hillary’s dog and gotten caught, she would have been condemned as a thief. But when she took away a woman’s husband, she was made into an international celebrity. People who are unfaithful are not socially censured.
It was not always this way. In fact, one of the purposes of the Sotah’s public ordeal at the Temple grounds was to send a clear message: Immorality is not acceptable. Also, the fact that the ritual took place at the Sanctuary, where G-dliness was manifest reminded one: You may have fooled your spouse, but not the, “Eye that Sees and the Ear that Hears.” G-d is omnipresent.
Still, what is one to do in a ‘bad’ marriage? It’s important to remember that somewhere in your life you were in a situation where you felt defeated; a friendship that couldn’t be salvaged, a business that couldn’t be saved, a school exam that couldn’t be passed. But you persevered. Your presence here today testifies that there is always hope. Human beings have an infinite capacity to renew themselves, and love is much more powerful than hate.
Today we have very little appreciation for the quality of struggle. We want things to be smooth. When they aren’t, we believe the situation to be inherently flawed. That is not the case. Success in life is not about victories, but perseverance. The great man or woman is not he or she who triumphs. It is rather he or she who never quits.
A mountain climber may, at times, feel fatigued with no energy to go any higher. It is perfectly justified to cease for a period of time. What he cannot do is cease to care and just let go, because that will lead to his immediate fall and destruction.
A flat line on a medical monitor indicates death. Life, and marriage, is uphill. Okay, I admit, sometimes downhill. Just don’t quit because, in the final analysis, life is not about conquering the mountain. Indeed, the mountain of life stretches on endlessly. There is no summit from which you can scream victory.
In addition, the mountain upon which you climb is yours. So don’t compare your marriage to other climbers and couples. You are not them and they are not you.
Your marriage is not a facet of your life. It is your life. It is not a detail of you happiness, but its source and greatest blessing. There is enough uncontrollable pain in life without unnecessary self-inflicted wounds. So exert the energy to make your marriage work. Extend a helping hand, and receive one in return. It will make the climb so much easier.