Timeless Torah

In case you haven’t noticed, this year’s Chanukah holiday coincides with, “Tis the season to go shopping.” So it should come as no surprise that retailers have now targeted Bubbies and Zaidies, Goldbergs and Cohens. Consequently, when in my mail last week I found the International Torah Toys (I.T.T.) catalogue featuring this year’s hottest festival gifts, I was prepared.

Of course, I wasn’t going to buy anything, but I figured a little peek couldn’t hurt. What can I say, it was an educational, not to mention costly, experience. There were sections for Rebbetzins and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, presents for three parts Jew, one part Italian, and even gifts that would make Aunt Ida kvell.

Quickly, I turned to Items Every Rabbi Must Have and discovered the most exciting gift - a life-size model of anyone you wish to imitate. The life-like facsimiles could be programmed to respond vocally at your beck and call. If you like appreciative listeners, she/he will laugh at your jokes; or if you are the authoritative type, the model will say “Yes, Sir” at the touch of a remote control button. And when it runs down you simply plug it back into the nearest socket.

This latest technologically advanced gift opens up infinite possibilities for a Rabbi, if he could but afford the $5,000 price tag.

For example, at a meeting at which I have to be present or at one of those never ending cocktail parties, my stand-in can go instead of me, smile and nod agreeably. Certainly my double would be the kind of spiritual leader who would offend no one - a truly Model Rabbi.

I could even purchase a few models of synagogue officers and program them to say, “Of course Rabbi,” to all my requests. With all the extra money they would now allocate to the Rabbi’s personal discretionary fund I could purchase about two dozen model congregants and place them strategically throughout the sanctuary on Shabbat morning. I could have them sculpted with eyes wide open, mouths closed and expressions of sheer delight on their faces as the Rabbi delivers his sermon. They could even be programmed to say, “You didn’t speak long enough.”

On second thought however, I actually enjoy the live models. It’s true they sometimes speak softly or loudly, politely or rudely, honestly or deceptively. Still, they have built-in souls, minds, characters and come in varying degrees of intelligence and personality. Another definite advantage they have over the dummies is that they count for a minyan. And while it’s true that they also need an occasional recharge and don’t come outfitted with an extension cord one can plug in, there is always Shabbat which is much more effective.

Another great advantage…..please excuse me, some delivery person needs me to sign for this package. Now I wonder what it could be. Look! It’s for the Board of Directors. Oh, no! They ordered a model marked, “The Rabbi”.