Timeless Torah

American culture grows cruder each and every day. Talented and intelligent young women are being led to believe that their God-given role is to serve as entertainment for lecherous men. Others are being indoctrinated by Joe Millionaire reality shows, that women should trade their hearts for a man’s wallet. With such ideas becoming mainstream America, and with so little outrage by women, it is not surprising that in 2001 there was increases of 1,500 percent in husbands making their wives sign prenuptial agreements, over the previous decade.
For married women, the situation is even bleaker. When husbands are constantly barraged with advertised images of the ‘perfect’ female body, wives become ordinary by comparison. Indeed, with the very narrow standard of beauty cultivated by today’s media, it is nearly impossible to measure up. Are we still shocked that so many men look outside their marriage for sexual satisfaction?

What is shocking is that this malaise is not new. The Bible itself lays down rule after rule proscribing infidelity in the most unlikely of scenarios. In fact, this week’s portion, chapter 20, verses 10 thru 21 (having relations with a woman and her mother, bestiality, etc,) reads like the guest list of a Jerry Springer show. Obviously, TV and the Internet cannot receive all the blame. Who or what is responsible?
While every case is different and many factors must be taken into account, one dynamic agreed on by many husbands (including several who came to me for counseling) is that their wives have, “let themselves go.” Newsweek recently reported that between Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme, Americans consume more than 14 million donuts per day. Now, given that about half of that is eaten by cops, that still leaves a good few million to be eaten by women, especially housewives. While it is undoubtedly true that many women, after several children, cannot fit into their wedding dress, this excuse is merely a convenient way of passing the buck.
But before we get all cozy with the notion that wives don’t care about their looks, let’s delve a little deeper. First, there is something just a little hypocritical in the contemporary contention that only wives need appear sexy while husbands can have endless folds hanging down their stomachs. Sorry guys, but just as you don’t want to be married to Aunt Jemima, she doesn’t want to be married to the Pillsbury Dough Boy. It cuts both ways.
Second, and more important, is the question of who is to blame for the burgeoning size of the American wife? No doubt that pregnancy, childbirth, balancing family and career, leave little time for a healthy diet and exercise. And yet, these same wives who have little time to look after themselves in their marriage suddenly find a huge amount of time to beautify themselves when and if they decide to have an affair.

Which leads me to the following conclusion: When wives stop working on their looks, it is quite often the fault of an inattentive husband. Women love being attractive. Even brainy career women who wish to be appreciated for their minds still wish to be physically desirable.  How much more so a married woman who revels in her husband’s attention?

When a husband stops noticing when his wife gets dressed up, she concludes, “Why bother? With all the responsibilities I have with the kids, my job and running the home, why put time into my appearance when he never looks anyway.” The healthiest diet for a woman is a husband’s compliments. Would a woman who lived alone on a desert island get dressed up every day to please the coconut trees? And if she lives alone in the solitary island of a lonely marriage, will she not console herself by indulging in the pleasure of food when she is bereft of the pleasure of touch?

Unlike Christianity, in Judaism lust in marriage is second only to love. It is not enough for a husband to cherish his wife. He is obligated to desire her as well. That’s why the ninth commandment forbids us to covet our neighbor’s wife, which, by implication, means we should be coveting our own. Religious people have to embrace the idea that anything that increases marital passion - removing the need for outside distractions - is holy and has God’s blessing.

Rabbinic lore relates that Moses initially refused the donation of the Israelite women’s mirrors, to be used for the priests in the Tabernacle, because their purpose was to increase marital lust. But G-d scolded Moses for his reluctance, telling him that such prudery was misguided. The mirrors were particularly dear to Him since they strengthened the attachment between man and wife. Stated differently, G-d is in love with husbands who are in love with their wives.